It's Fat Tuesday!

It's Fat Tuesday, do you know what that means? It means SO much for me. It was the day last year, I got on a plane by myself and flew to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. It was when I learned, as I was getting off the airport shuttle at my hotel, my mom is not going to make it and would probably pass before I arrived home on Thursday morning. I knew I was meant to be there, but was confused as to why this happened when I couldn't be with my mother as she passed. I was with her Sunday and contacted my sister to come up to be with my mom. As, my mom turned for the better on Sunday, I wasn't sure I did the right thing. So, I told my mom how Ian (my son) was playing in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday and I had off from work Tuesday and Wednsday. I asked her if she were me, would she go? She gave me her blessing. My sister had not seen my mom for a couple of years and I wanted my sister to have our mom to herself, too. So, as I got in the car to tell Glen what was happening the idea didn't sound so crazy. My mom has been in situations like this for ten years. One time during surgery her heart didn't beat for a long time and was put into a coma, but made it through. I really didn't think this was her time, since she had made it through worse before. I was quite shakey by the time I made it to my room. Oh, and the fact that I got a free flight with my miles and a room booked on Sunday night made it seem it was meant to be, too! I felt like shit. There was the biggest party outside my window. I made it all the way down there and I did not feel like moving. I started to cry, which since I had children, became harder and harder for me to do. I thought this is good, I was feeling all the feels I should. My son called, who heard I had arrived and told me to make it to where he was. I looked out the window and saw a parade a block away. I composed myself and was going to take a taxi to see Ian, but realized by the time, this was the LAST parade. I felt comfortable, but uncomfortable at the same time. I decided to watch this parade and then go see Ian. I enjoyed being the spectator for awhile and started seeing the beads they were throwing. Before I knew it, I wanted one. The people arounds me had bags full. I realized I would have to participate and not just be a bystander! The song "It's more then a feeling" by Boston started playing and I was enjoying this. I mean really having a good time. I stepped off the curb and with my first effort was thrown a necklace. I looked down and it was a black cat. It reminded me of the superstition of a black cat crossing my path would bring bad luck. I didn't even want to put it on. But, I looked at it again and it made me think of shirt my husband wore of the Parker Avenue Pussy Cats (and it changed my thinking) I put it on and tried to get more. The first one was a blue bird of happiness, then King butterfly all symbols of freedom for me. Then the fox wedding which was the most affirming to me. My daughter had a fox theme to her wedding! Then a frozen bearded mans face in shades of blue which represented being cold with fear and then the last float approached and I was started to realize the front of the float represented what was thrown. And it was a big sun. Oh, I wanted this necklace bad. At this point not every float threw a necklace my way. So, I knew I had to make some noise as it approached the guys in the front shrugged their shoulders and showed they were empty handed. Oh no, I thought and then at the very back of the float (to our surprise) a big bag of necklaces was thrown our way. Luckily, it was opened and each of us was given one from the bag. It was the biggest affirmation, to me. I am going to get through all of this. And, in the end I am going to need a little help from others to get me through. I am really dependent on myself to get through anything. But, losing my mom has shown me I need to accept the help of others to feel all the feels, talk about it, and accept help if it is offered. I went to see Ian play and was able to have a table to myself. I watched everyone dancing and having a good time I remember I videotaped a lot of this day. I remember they did a song with just the horns and it sounded like "Amen, amen" to me. I asked Ian if it was and he said yes. I am going to try to share in my instagram stories if I can. I believe I triumphed that day. It was actually a day of prayer and affirmations for me. Sometimes I think prayers are just believing by living in the moment. It wasn't just about having fun. It was about facing fears and the hardest was facing the truth of what was about to happen. It's about not having regrets for decisions already made. It's about taking things as they come, and dealing and coping the best way we know how. This was the beginning of the pandemic, and it made me ready for anything. My mom's was the last funeral that St. Catharines's was able to have. She was saved from all of this in a way. I couldn't imagine not being able to see her. I visited once a week for years. I know she is looking down on us, like the sun, with a big smile on her face. Quote of the day: "It's in our soul to have Mardi Gras." — Arthur Hardy Song of Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxZuq57_bYM Amen, Brother The Winstons